Jon Hart, Not a Vampire
by DWDuck
Summary: A wonky Vortex manipulator lands John Hart in Sunnydale, CA.  A case of mistaken identity leads to some odd encounters for John and Spike.
1. Chapter 1

John Hart, Not a Vampire

Legal notice: I don't own any of the rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Torchwood.

Notes: Set during season 6 of BtVS and after CoE Torchwood. AU for continuity purposes, season 6 of BtVS will be occurring in 2009

Night had fallen on Sunnydale, California like it did with most other towns. Most other towns however didn't have the problems Sunnydale faced when the Sun when down. When the Sun went down, all sorts of creatures that went bump in the night came out to play (and depending on how much they had had to drink some of them had a harder time not bumping into things than others.) The blonde vampire known as Spike fell into the latter category that evening. Spike had another row with the Slayer, which had ended up with not only his heart being broken, but he was pretty sure a couple of ribs to boot. He stumbled through the alley way in his black leather jacket and pants weaving his way back to his crypt. He was too far gone in his cups to notice the orange and yellow lights swimming in the alley behind him. The lights grew larger and seemed to gain substance. There was a rush of air and a blonde man wearing a red officer's jacket from the Napoleonic wars, a black tee shirt, black leather pants, and mid-calf riding boots could be seen within the lights. He had a saber slung low across his left hip and a belt with a pair of matching holsters carrying large, futuristic looking pistols around his waist. He fell out of the swirling light show and bumped into the wall of the alley. The lights imploded and the man looked around, a frown growing on his face. "This doesn't look like the nude beaches of the Hedonism asteroid," John Hart said. He raised his left wrist and looked at the device imbedded in the leather strap. He screamed in rage and picked up a small trash can. John threw it across the alley and drew both pistols. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" he yelled, shooting fist sized holes in the defenseless trashcan with each "Dammit". "I can't believe this is happening. Not only did Jack take off and leave without saying good-bye, but now I'm stuck on this damn planet with a broken vortex manipulator!" He screamed into the night again and shot the trash can once more for good measure. He looked at his wrist band in disgust. "I guess I should have a look around and see where and when I ended up," he mused. John manipulated the wristband and took some readings. "All right then," he said aloud, "North America…California…Southern California…that's weird, some kind of disturbance blocking the exact location. Oh well, SoCal is good. Looks like late 2009. Shit, I only jumped 6 months." He aimed at where the trashcan was lying in a smoking heap. John tiled his head to the side, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He holstered his pistols and let out a short laugh of resignation. "Time to find a place to hang my saber while I figure out exactly where I am," he said to no one in particular. Captain John Hart, former Time Scout of the Time Agency swaggered out of the alley looking for a play to stay, a play to drink, and something to have sex with. He didn't care much with what order he found them in.

The next day Xander Harris left the job site early to go have lunch with his girlfriend, Anya. The work site wasn't too far away from the Magic Shop, so he had decided to walk. Like most days in Southern California, the sky was clear and beautiful, but the sun was hot. Xander took advantage of the shade the covered sidewalk offered and walked underneath it. He had picked up some sandwiches and was whistling the tune to "I'll Never Tell". Xander was happy. He had managed to spend almost an entire week without something trying to kill him or one of his friends. They had even managed to go for a week without one of them being turned into a monster, or even having a musical loving demon being summoned. Xander wondered if this was what it was like to be normal. He looked across the street and saw two co-eds from UC Sunnydale walk by in nothing but short shorts and bikini tops. "Haduhaduhadu," he stammered. Looking at the co-eds and not where he was going, Xander bumped into somebody. "Oh, I'm really sorry. You see I was just…oh, it's you," Xander said in an unfriendly tone.

"You should watch where you going, friend," John said coolly. He was new in town and didn't feel like falling off of the murder wagon just yet. He had done that stint in murder rehab after all.

Xander exhaled in mock disbelief and said, "We're not friends. We have never been friends. We will never BE friends." Xander took a step back and looked John up and down. "What is up with that outfit? Don't get me wrong, it's better than your usual black, but isn't kind of gaudy? Did you just leave a Sgt. Pepper convention or something?" he mocked.

John was stunned by this young man's audacity. Just a couple of years earlier and he would have sliced the ponce's head clean off his shoulders for a quarter of the insults he was throwing at him; but now that he was trying to reform himself. He couldn't kill the idiot out of anger. John paused for a moment of self reflection. Of course, just because he couldn't kill him, didn't mean he couldn't beat the holy crap out of him. "Who the _hell_do you think you are?" John asked.

"I'm the guy who's going to push you around and then laugh while you can't do a thing about it," Xander said. After all of the bad blood between Spike and him, Xander still enjoyed the inhibitor chip implanted in the vampire's head. "_This is going to be so much fun,"_ Xander thought. He shoved John into a wall. "_Is Spike wearing cologne? It really smells good,"_Xander mused for a split second.

A split second was all he got. John punched him in the left side of face, knocking him backwards into the street. Xander staggered backwards into the sunlight, rubbing his jaw. Xander smiled grimly. Spike had been captured by the military and had a computer chip implanted in his brain. Whenever he tried to cause physical harm to a human, the pain he experienced was sent back to him five fold. Xander's smile faded as he watched for the signs of the splitting headache Spike got every time he hurt a human. Instead, Spike was smiling at him, a smile that said he was having quite a good time. Xander took another step into the sunlight to give himself a safety zone. Terror rooted Xander to the spot as John walked into the sunlight and stood in front of him. The mid-day sun shone down upon him, glinting off of the gold bars on his uniform. Xander looked at both of John's hands and saw they were free of the Ring of Amara. "What…how…?" he stammered. John gave Xander an uppercut to his stomach with his left fist. Xander dropped to the ground, the wind knocked out of him.

"You do realize that you're incredibly pathetic, don't you?" John asked him, ruffling the other man's hair and pushing him the rest of the way down to the street. John didn't wait for a reply and instead swaggered off. Xander struggled to his feet and looked around. He wasn't able to tell which way "Spike" had gone. He picked up the bag containing his sandwiches and made his way cautiously to the Magic Shop.

The bell at the door tinkled, alerting Anya to another potential customer. Another customer meant potentially more of those interesting green rectangles you could exchange for goods and services. She took a deep breath and put on a bright, happy face. When she saw it was Xander, she let the breath out with a whoosh and her face fell, "Oh, it's just you," she said disappointed. She looked closer at her fiancé and concern took over, "Xander, you're hurt. What happened to your jaw?" Anya, the former vengeance demon, ran to Xander's side and took his hand. Xander squeezed her hand in thanks.

"I'll be ok, but we have major problems. Call the Scoobies for an emergency meeting. I'll explain then. Hopefully my jaw won't swell shut or my spleen won't rupture before everyone else gets here, but you know, it's been a boring week," Xander said. He walked to the back training room and grabbed an ice pack. One of the first things Tara and Willow had done when they had converted the back room to a training area was install a magical, never ending supply of ice for just such an occasion. Anya went to the phone and began calling the rest of the Scoobies.

John Hart wandered around Sunnydale in amazement. He had seen at least 10 different species of humanoid since he had arrived the night before. John checked his wrist strap yet again to make sure the date was correct and cross checked it against a newspaper he had found in a local restaurant. He _might_have skipped a few history classes when it came to early Earth history (he had been busy shagging the TA from the Martian dialects class at the time), but he was fairly certain there hadn't been a spaceport in Southern California during the 21st century. "_So if this isn't a spaceport, where the hell did all these non-Earth types come from? And why doesn't anyone seem to give a damn that they're here?"_he wondered_._John watched a rather uptight, pale skinned human male cross the street to so he wouldn't have to share the sidewalk with a somewhat darker skinned human female. The same male then walked right past a huge, horned creature with slime dripping off of its fangs. The man did so without even raising an eyebrow. John pointed at the man and said to anyone who would listen, "Now that's evil. I don't know what the slime dripping thing is (and if it weren't for the smell, I might offer to give it a tumble), but that man is evil through and through."

An idea struck John. He changed the settings on his wrist strap again and slowly began walking in circles. He growled in frustration at the interference he was getting. Setting out on the main road, he walked to the city limits sign. As soon as John passed the sign, the interference on his wrist strap disappeared and he gasped in shock. "_That's the biggest damn perception filter I've ever seen. It covers the whole bloody town. The readings are a bit strange, but there is no doubt about it, the people inside are having their minds screwed,"_John thought. He measured the field and made adjustments to his wrist strap. His wrist strap worked slightly better as he stepped back inside the city limits. John decided to head for the city library to do some background work on what was creating the field. He knew it really was none of his business, but he thought, "_WWJD – What Would Jack Do?"_

Rupert Giles had turned his cell-phone off when he had entered the library. He was no longer a librarian, but he still loved the smell and feel of books. He decided to spend the afternoon in the town archives. "_Always a chance I will come up with something that wants to start another apocalypse,"_he thought wryly. Giles had his back turned to the door and didn't hear John come in.

When John had worked with Jack and they needed to take out a building or break in somewhere, they had always had tremendous luck by finding all kinds of useful information in the local archives. He had entered the room and found a man in his late 40s to early 50's bent over picking up a book. A book on a pile from the table fell and the man moved very quickly to catch it. John was impressed at how agile the man was, as well the muscle tone he displayed. He also had a cute ass. The brief profile he caught showed the man had rugged good looks. John picked up a book at random and walked over to the table to stand next to Giles.

Giles sensed motion to his right and looked out of the side of his eye. At first he didn't recognize the man standing next to him, the clothes were so different from what he normally wore. When he did recognize Spike, Giles took off his glasses and began to clean them with his shirt. Giles noticed a particularly pleasant smell coming from Spike. He tried to remember if he had ever seen Spike open a book at the Magic Shop let alone come to a library. "Why are you here? I don't recall ever seeing you interested in this library before," Giles said, ever the polite British citizen.

"I have to say that's a nice variant on the old classic 'I haven't seen you around here before' line," John said. He turned around and leaned back on the table. John tilted his head to the side and smiled at Giles.

"Can I help you in some way?" Giles said, annoyed at Spike's presence.

John stroked Giles arm from the elbow to the shoulder. "I can think of a whole number of things you can help me with, but we're over dressed for most of them," John said seductively. Giles' eyes widened in shock. He was so much in shock that he popped the lens out of glasses while cleaning them. "But…that will have to wait for later. I'm looking for anything on the early founding of this town," John said, his tone mixing disappointment with business like determination.

"Those records are kept in the basement, in the locked archives," Giles managed to say on autopilot.

"Thanks, hope to see you around," John said as he swaggered to the door marked "basement stairs". He looked over his shoulder and gave Giles a lewd wink, "Maybe then we can go into detail about how you can help me further." John kicked open the door and descended into the basement.

"Good Lord," Giles swore. He nearly ran out of the library on his way to the Magic Shop.

The Scoobies were starting to assemble inside the Magic Box. Willow and Tara had been the first to arrive. Dawn came in next, followed by her sister, Buffy. Giles was the last to arrive. Giles opened the door to his shop and looked at the group of young people assembled. "Oh good, you're all here. I was going to have Anya call you all," he said in an urgent tone.

"It helps when you have your cell-phone turned on," Buffy scolded him.

"What? Oh yes," Giles muttered as he pulled his out of his pocket and turned it on. "Well that doesn't matter now. We have a problem with Spike," he said.

"Tell me about it," Xander complained, still holding a bag of ice to his jaw.

"Oh my. Xander, what happened to you?" Giles inquired politely.

"Spike hit me," Xander complained. "What did he do to you?" he asked.

"Um…" Giles took his glasses out of pocket and tried to clean them, putting his finger through the missing lenses. He caught himself and put the broken pair back in his pocket. "I think Spike hit _ON_ me," Giles said softly.

"Excuse me?" Buffy said in disbelief.

Dawn bit her lip and spun on her stool to face the shelves so she wouldn't have to look at Giles; not trusting herself to keep it together. A little snicker still escaped.

"What did he hit on you with?" Willow asked in concern for her mentor. Tara leaned over and whispered in her ear. Willow blushed as understanding blossomed in her mind. "Oh," was all she could say.

Xander laughed so hard his jaw felt like molten metal was being poured through it, but he didn't care. "You win, G-man. Your story is WAY better than mine," Xander giggled. Spike had the misfortune of choosing that moment to walk into the Magic Box.

Spike tossed off the smoking, wool blanket and walked to the counter. Xander shut up quickly, thinking the new Spike could easily beat the crap out of him for laughing at his change in sexuality. Giles made a beeline for the training room. "What's up with he who starches his underwear?" he asked.

"Nothing…nothing at all, Spike" Dawn said. She hopped off of the stool and hugged her friend, wanting to let him know she accepted him no matter.

Anya opened her mouth to dispute what Dawn had said about Giles, but Xander covered her mouth with his hand. He whispered in her ear, "We don't anger the vampire that beat up our boyfriends." Buffy just stood by the counter looking hurt.

"Don't mean to interrupt your little love fest over there…oh wait, yes I do. Can you get me these items?" Spike asked, putting a list down on the counter. Xander gave Anya one last warning look and took his hand away. Anya glared at Xander and went to the counter to grab the list. She looked it over.

"I can have these ready by tonight," Anya told Spike.

"Great. Well then," Spike said with a heavy sigh, "I guess I get to see all of your cheery faces again tonight." Spike finally gave Xander some notice and saw the bruise on his jaw. He pointed at the male Scooby. "You need to keep out of fights," he said helpfully.


	2. Chapter 2

**John Hart, Not a Vampire**

**Chapter 2**

John Hart had learned some odd things from the archives in the town library. For one, the town kept the city maps and blue prints in a locked room with some pretty sophisticated security and locks (for the 21st century.) To make things interesting, John had disabled the security system and picked the locks hopping on one foot while reciting the Karma Sutra. Once he got into the room, things were even more odd. The room had a guard on the inside. The guard was humanoid, to a degree. It stood on two legs and had two arms and a head, but that was about as far as the similarity with humans went. The thing had gray armor plating with spikes jutting off at random places. 8" tusks sprouted from its lower jaw. It had been caught by surprise at the door opening without the usual electronic buzz on his size which caused him to be a little slow on swinging his huge battle axe at John's head. "Shit!" John swore and rolled out of the way. He drew a gun and leveled it at the thing's chest.

"A gun? Come on, you know those never work on demons. You're embarrassing me," the guard said with barely a lisp.

"Wait…what? I never have a problem with these and how the hell are you able to talk around those things in your mouth?" John asked incredulously.

"I get that a lot. Speech therapy," the guard replied. He hefted his battle axe over his head ready to split the intruder in two. John pulled the trigger on his sonic blaster and a bowling ball size hole appeared in the guard's chest. The guard dropped the axe, looked down at his now incomplete torso and said, "Huh? I guess that one does work." He fell over quite dead. John stood up and stepped over the body. He went to the filing cabinets and began his research. After reading the town charter and looking over the initial founders, John pulled out a large map of the town and put it on the table. John was shocked to see that the town was a perfect circle. He understood things like that could only be done by design. Moving his finger along the map he figured out where the exact center of the circle was and therefore where the center of town was. He tapped his finger on the building displayed, Sunnydale High School.

Night had fallen while John had been researching. He had set his Vortex manipulator to directional finder mode and was making his way to the High School. His path took him through an alley way near the industrial district. Living for so long on the wrong side of the law had fine tuned his senses and he knew he was being followed. "All right, you can come out now," he yelled behind him, stopping in the middle of the alley. Two men in cheap suits walked out of the shadows flanking a "man" with the head of a shark.

"Spiiike, you still owe me some kittens," Mr. Teeth the loan shark said. "I told you we would have to handle things differently next time we met," he warned. "Boys, I want his fangs. They should be a nice down payment on what he owes me."

"It will be a pleasure, Mr. Teeth," the vampire on the left said, kissing ass.

"Hold on a minute," John said raising his hand. The two vampires stopped, waiting to hear what "Spike" had to say. "Kittens? I'm more of a poodle man myself," John informed them. He shot the shark-man a dirty look. "Blowfish with their cocaine and cars; and your kind with their mobster fantasies. What is it with your kind and the adrenaline rush?" John asked. The loan shark took an involuntary step backwards. John held up his wrist, displaying his Vortex manipulator. "I know exactly where and when you're from fishy, and I also know you're not allowed on this planet," John said coldly.

"Change in plans, boys. Kill him! I want that vampire dusted!" Mr. Teeth yelled in panic.

"Hey! I'm not that pale," John said, insulted. He casually drew out a gun for the second time that day. Sliding a finger along the frame, he changed the dispersal pattern of the sonic beam. John took aim at the shark head and blasted it into a gory mist. A headless body slumped to the ground. The vampires looked from the headless body to John and back to the body. "You have a choice. Stay loyal to the fish and end up like him, or consider yourself unemployed. If you go with the latter, I suggest you starting running," John said in a friendly voice. The vampires shared a quick look and ran as fast as they could out of the alley. "Now let's see if I can make it to that school without any more murder relapses on my part," John muttered.

Giles had spent a couple of hours in the basement of the Magic Shop trying to calm his nerves. He finally gathered his courage and returned to the main floor where he was greeted by Buffy saying, "You can come out now, he gone."

"Would you mind terribly rephrasing that?" Giles sighed. Dawn caught the double meaning of what Buffy had said and giggled.

"I didn't just say that, did I?" Buffy asked rhetorically. "You know what I mean, Giles. No one here doubts your sexuality," she assured him.

"I do. He's British," Anya told Buffy in a matter of fact tone.

Xander sighed deeply, "No dear, we've had this discussion before. That's the French you're thinking about."

"Oh…sorry, Giles. I believe you are a heterosexual," Anya amended.

"Thank you, Anya. You have no idea how much that means to me," Giles said sarcastically. The sarcasm went completely unnoticed by Anya. "Spike's behavior earlier was quite out of character. Not only to did he make sexual advances at me, he was in a library doing research," Giles expounded. "We need to catalog his other odd behaviors to figure out what is going on," he said. "Xander, tell us more about your encounter."

"Well let's see. I bumped into him. He punched me and he didn't feel any pain. I stood in the middle of the street and Spike joined me there without the ring of Amara or any smoke. He punched me again and left. THE END," Xander summarized.

"Wait a minute; Spike was standing in broad daylight?" Buffy asked. "He was smoking when he came into the store a couple of hours ago."

"That's right," Willow said, getting excited. She always got excited at the prospect of a possible research intensive mystery that didn't include death. "What other details do you guys remember about dealing with Spike? We need to see what was the same about the encounters," she said.

"Um, Spike was dressed funny," Xander tossed out. "He kind of looked like a drum major or something."

"It was an authentic officer's jacket from the Napoleonic wars," Giles corrected him. "I'm afraid I was so shocked I didn't notice what else he was wearing," he apologized.

"Anything else you guys can remember?" Willow asked.

Xander gave Giles an embarrassed look; one that Giles returned. "He smelled really good," Xander said.

"Huh?" Buffy questioned.

"Spike had an extremely pleasant odor," Giles tried to explain. "Whatever new cologne he's wearing I need to buy some for myself."

"You and me both, brother," Xander agreed.

"OK, so he smells pretty and he's into dressing up in old clothes now. How does this help us?" Buffy asked.

"No, I see where willow is going with this," Giles said. "When Spike was smoking and acting normal, well normal for him at least, he was dressed as he usually does," Giles pointed out.

Xander nodded his head in understanding, "And when he beat the crap out of me in daylight and then wanted to play hide the salami in Giles, he was dressed up like a drum major."

"Napoleonic officer," corrected Giles.

"Whatever. The suit changes him," Xander said. "I just don't understand why he beat me up instead of trying to get into my pants," Xander said, his ego as bruised as his jaw.

"I believe Spike has gone bent, not blind," Giles said softly.

"My grasp on British slang may be pretty slim, but I'm pretty sure I was just insulted there," Xander said.

Willow gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded her head. "You were," she agreed.

"Ok, I just wanted to make sure," Xander said.

"Willow, do you think the jacket is doing this?" Tara asked.

"Probably. It might be enchanted, it might be possessed, or it could just have a very strong residual energy patterns left over from a powerful magic user, causing past mental patterns to overwhelm the current wearer," Willow said shrugging her shoulders.

Dawn smiled at the image that brought. "You mean it might have been worn by an openly gay warlock who fought for Napoleon?" she asked.

"Actually that could explain several historical anecdotes the Watchers have of Napoleon. Especially the one involving the circus and the juggling bear," Giles muttered to himself. The others looked at him, speechless. "Moving on. We need to research the possibilities Willow has pointed out. Let's get to the books shall we?" he suggested. Giles saw Buffy edging towards the door. "And Buffy will go out and patrol as usual," he said, letting the Slayer off the hook.

"Be back in a while, guys," Buffy said cheerfully as the others reached for two or three large books each to go through.

Spike held his box of mewling currency under one arm as he knocked on the back door to the warehouse Mr. Teeth, the loan shark, used as a base of operations. He hated the fish breathed guy, but William the Bloody did not welch on a deal. The door was opened by one of the cheap suited henchman Mr. Teeth always had with him. "What do you want…Oh shit!" the henchman yelled as he backpedaled away from the door. "Spike, I was just cleaning out my desk. I swear," he said in terror.

Spike thrust the box into the other vampire's hand. "I want people to know that I always repay me debt," he said.

"You got it, Spike. I'll tell everyone I know that you're a vampire of his word," the henchman said. The vampire swallowed hard, looking for all available exits.

Spike rocked back on forth on his heels. "I guess that's it. See you around then," he said. The other vampire looked even more frightened. Spike turned around and walked away.

"No, you won't. I promise, Mr. Spike," the henchman yelled down the alley.

Buffy made a quick sweep through the cemeteries and then made her way to an apartment she had been keeping an eye on. With what was going on to _her_ Spike, it was time to play this card. Buffy stopped by a store and bought a bunch of balloons that would hide her face when she went up to the door. She rang the doorbell and waited.

Ethan Rayne looked out of his peep hole to see a delivery girl with a bunch of balloons on his doorstep. He opened the door and the helium balloons floated into the sky. A fist slammed into his nose. "Hi, Ethan," Buffy said. Ethan tried to run but he was grabbed by the petite Slayer and thrown across his kitchen table. She tossed the table aside like it weighed next to nothing. "What can you tell me about Napoleonic officers' jackets?" she asked him.

"Uh…they're a bitch to clean?" Ethan tried, struggling to come up with a fact that would keep him from getting severely beaten. Buffy grabbed Ethan by the shirt and threw him into the wall, dislodging a large piece of plaster.

"I'll be more specific. What can you tell me about a Napoleonic officer's jacket that grants vampires the ability to go around in daylight and turns them into horndogs?" Buffy asked, redefining the question. She wasn't ready to tell him that Spike had suddenly developed a crush on Ethan's old nemesis, Giles.

Ethan cocked his head to the side and gave Buffy a very real and very confused look. "I've never heard of such an object," he said. "I've heard of the ring of Amara, but never a jacket and definitely not one that makes them overly sexual. I would love to get my hands on something like that. It would be worth a fortune," Ethan said with greed in his eyes. Buffy let him down. Ethan could fake most emotions, but he could never cover up real greed. She knew he was telling the truth about the jacket.

"For the sake of argument, let's pretend that such a jacket did exist and we wanted the vampire wearing it to go back to normal. What would we have to do?" Buffy asked him.

Ethan leered at Buffy. "You just need him to take it off, but it's probably not just the jacket. You'll need him to take off everything he's wearing to make sure. That should be something very easy for someone of your…talents," Ethan said smugly. Buffy glared at him and spun him around so he faced the wall. She grabbed the back of his underwear and pulled so hard that the band tore off. She handed Ethan the band without saying a word and let herself out.

John Hart had made it to the center of town and stood across the street from the burned out wreckage of the old High School. A sign proclaiming the building of a new school would start soon. "Now these are kids who know how to throw a party," John said appreciatively. John raised his wrist and a holographic display sprang to life in front of him. It gave multiple readings across different energy frequencies, many which wouldn't be discovered by humans for another 25 centuries. "By Davros' pimply ass, will you look at that?" John swore. He was staring at readings that indicated a stable inter-dimensional rift below the wrecked building. "Where's Jack when you need him?" he asked the cosmos. John sat still for a moment and when an answer wasn't forthcoming he made his way back to his hotel room to go over the readings he had gathered.

Buffy had formulated a plan on the way back to the Magic Shop. She was pretty sure it was a good plan, but it all hinged on Giles. She opened the door to the familiar ring of the bell and the others looked up.

"How was your patrol, Buffy?" Giles asked.

"Two fledglings and a purple squelching thingy near the bus stop," Buffy said. "I also got a lead on the Spike problem," she told them.

Xander shut his book in relief. "Good, because we have found both zip and nada," he said.

Buffy replayed her interview with Ethan Rayne. Her description of the super atomic wedgie earned her a "Good show," from Giles. When she was done, Buffy looked at her friends. "Now all we have to do is find a way to get Spike to take off all of his clothes," Buffy said.

Xander gave a wry laugh. "Gee, Buff, how are you going to do that?" he said in disgust.

"He's not interested in me, Xander," Buffy pointed out. She turned to look at Giles. The room became very still as one by one each Scooby turned to look at their mentor.

"Oh good lord, no! ABSOLUTELY not!" Giles fumed. "There has to be another way. We could tranquilize him, maybe hit him over the head repeatedly, or possibly make Xander presentable," he offered. Giles knew when he was defeated. He took out a spare pair of glasses and tried to clean the lenses. Pushing too hard again, he popped the glass out. "Bloody Hell!"


	3. Chapter 3

**John Hart, Not a Vampire**

**Chapter 3**

It was Andrews turn to watch the monitors they had set up in the "Trio of Evil" lair. They had put cameras all over Sunnydale in an attempt to learn more about their nemesis, Buffy the slayer of the _Vampires_. He also used them to see when the comics store got its delivery so he could be the first in line to buy the really choice ones. It was dark outside and he was hoping to catch Buffy and Spike having naughty moments in an alley again. His heart started to beat faster when he saw the gorgeous blonde haired vampire swagger out of bar and head towards the alley he and Buffy favored. "_That's a bold fashion statement for Spike,"_ Andrew thought. "_The sword and guns totally give him an Ice Pirates look." _Andrew yelled out for his companions in crime, "Hey guys! Spike is headed for the alley again."

"Ooh, cool," Jonathan said as ran over from his magic circle. Warren put down his eye shields and switched off the laser he was working on. He hated the arrogant bitch, but he loved watching her get freaky with the dead guy. Sometimes they even caught a glimpse of her breasts. Warren and Jonathan joined Andrew at the monitors and stood behind his chair. The three of them stared at the monitors for a moment trying to figure out what they were seeing.

"What is Spike doing?" Warren asked in confusion.

"… A Fyarl demon, I think," Jonathan answered. In unison the three men leaned over far to the right in order to put what they saw on the monitor in context. "Oh my god!" Jonathan shrieked.

Warren turned his face away slowly, trying not to think about what he had just witnessed. "I didn't know they had female Fyarl demons," he muttered.

"They don't," Andrew corrected him.

"I'm going to go rinse my eyes out with Listerine," Jonathan said, making his way to the stairs. "Warren, when you get that Men in Black memory wiper thing working, can I be the first test subject," Jonathan pleaded.

"I'll join you in that eye rinse, but after that we are going to figure out a way we can use this to our advantage," Warren schemed.

Spike sat down at the bar and ordered a "Dead Arnold Palmer" (half lemonade and half whatever blood they had in stock.) He had decided to lay off the hard stuff until he could figure out why people in Sunnydale were acting strangely. Spike reviewed some of the incidents in his mind. It had started the other night at the Magic Box with Buffy glaring at him like he had betrayed her somehow. When he tried to call her later, she wouldn't answer her phone. Spike called Giles' flat looking for her and got a strange response from Mr. Stuffy Britches. Giles had informed him that Buffy wasn't there and that he was busy watching Rugby, a very masculine sport with absolutely nothing Nancy about it. Spike hung up wondering which of the Scoobies had insinuated Giles had been playing both ends of the Cricket pitch so he could send them a gift basket. After trying to get from his crypt to the bar, he wasn't so sure it was one of the Scoobies after all. Several demons had approached Spike requesting sex. They were treating him like he was some kind of hell spawn slut. He finished his drink quickly, wiped away the blood moustache on with the back of his hand, and headed back outside to do some more investigating.

Spike hadn't made it very far before he was accosted by Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew. "Hello, Spike," Warren said arrogantly.

"Oh goodie, I get an audience with the 'Trinity of _Dorkness'," _Spike jeered. "What do you ponces want?"

Warren held up a DVD. "We've been watching your little performances in the alley, Spike. Unless you want Buffy to get a copy of this showing her your more _unusual_ sexual tastes, we need to come together on some kind price," Warren advised.

"_Whatever is affecting the rest of the town must have got to this pathetic lot,"_ Spike thought. "If you three want-to-be super villains are implying what I think you're implying, then Buffy all ready knows all about it. She was there," he explained.

"Not every time," Warren said smugly.

"Look, I don't know what you think you saw, but you three are the last ones to be commenting on someone's sexuality," Spike warned. He pointed a finger at Warren. "You are so pathetic that you have to make your girlfriends out of stuff from an electronics catalog." Spike then pointed at Jonathan. "You will most likely die a virgin," he said not realizing the truth to his words. He finally pointed at Andrew. "And you! Let's face it, mate. You're so far in the closet you're in Narnia. Come out, be proud. You would probably feel a whole lot better about yourself. So much so, I'd wager you would dump these to losers and end up shacking up with some nice comic book dealer," he said, ending with a friendly smile.

Andrew returned the smile and then shook himself. "I'm not gay," he protested.

"Mate, you're as queer as queer as buggering a Fyarl demon," Spike said. The three humans were momentarily shocked by Spike's comparison. Spike took advantage of this and used his vampire speed to snatch the DVD out of Warren's hands. He was well out of reach before Warren could react.

"Fine. Keep that copy. Do you honestly think we would come here without making backup copies?" Warren bragged. He noticed Andrew and Jonathan exchanging guilty looks. "We have backup copies, right?" he asked.

"There is a 'Blakes-7' marathon on PBS this weekend so we had to make room on the server," Jonathan said meekly. Warren grabbed Andrew and Jonathan by the ears and dragged them away, promising to do them great bodily harm when they got back to the lair.

Spike flipped the DVD over in his hand. "Now all I have to do is find someone who has a DVD player and is willing to let me borrow it,' he muttered. He hoped it was one of his and Buffy's more naughty romps in the alley. He snapped his fingers, thinking of just the right demon. Spike looked up at the moon and judged he had just enough time to get there, borrow it, and get back to his crypt to set up the player before the Sun rose.

It was close to noon when all of the Scoobies reconvened at the Magic Box to go over their plans to catch Spike in the daylight. "All right, let's go over this one more time," Buffy said for Giles sake. He was still looking very concerned. "Xander, Anya, and Dawn will do sweeps through the city trying to locate Spike. When they do, Giles will drive over to that location and pick up Spike," she said.

"Perhaps Xander could put on one of my jackets and see if Spike responds to the scent instead?" Giles offered hopefully.

"Sorry G-man, this time the part of butt-monkey will not be played by Xander Harris," Xander told him.

"I really wish you hadn't phrased it that way," Giles said sorrowfully.

The bell over the door rang and Ethan Rayne strode into the shop. "Hello everyone," he said cheerfully.

Giles sighed and took off his backup, backup pair of glasses. He carefully cleaned them and managed to keep the glass in the frames. "Apparently you are correct, Xander. I do seem to be the Universe's 'butt-monkey' today," he said. Ethan simply raised an eyebrow in question about the statement. "What do want Ethan?" he asked tersely.

"Just to help an old friend, Ripper, of course. Young Ms. Summers told me of Spike's unusual condition and I thought I might offer my services," Ethan said. Giles gave Buffy a somewhat hurt, betrayed look.

Xander looked shocked. "Buffy told you Spike has gone gay for Giles?" he asked.

Ethan slowly turned his head from Xander to Giles and tried to suppress a laugh. It didn't work. It came out first as a snort. Then two snorts, followed by a snicker. The snicker was followed by an outright laugh. "Oh that's brilliant. You must be creeped out of your skin by the mere thought," he howled.

"Excuse me! Gay person in the room," Willow declared. "Some of us aren't offended by the notion of same sex coupling."

"Neither is Ripper," Ethan said. He was greeted by looks of confusion from the Scoobies and by Giles pinching the bridge of nose, feeling a headache coming on. "Ripper isn't thrilled with the idea of sex with vampires. He is fine with sex with men. Isn't that right, Ripper?" Ethan asked Giles.

"I think you should leave now," Giles said calmly.

"No wait, I want to hear this," Xander said, rubbing his hands together. Giles shot him a glare that had Xander any sense, he would have wet himself.

"Me too," Willow added, "It's nothing to be ashamed about." Willow was enormously relieved that her mentor wasn't homophobic.

Ethan _had_ noticed the look Giles had given Xander and reevaluated his plans. Being on the receiving end of Ripper's punches one too many times tended to do that. He had been around during that times I Giles life and knew what that relationship had meant to him. "On second thought, all that I will say is that it was the 70s and a time for exploring new things for most of us," Ethan said.

Giles took a step towards Ethan. "Either make a purchase in my establishment or show yourself out," he warned. Ethan smiled at him and turned toward the door. When he opened the door he stopped before going outside.

"In case anyone was interested, he was a cheeky American chap almost twice Ripper's age. To top it off the man lived in Wales of all places," Ethan said, outing the man who had once been his friend. He hurried outside and shut the door before Ripper could summon any of his more nasty spells. Ethan was fairly certain _Giles _wouldn't do such a thing in front of those children, but he knew Ripper wouldn't hesitate at all.

Giles looked at his friends sitting around the table. Dawn gave him a thumbs up, his level of coolness having gone up considerably in her eyes. Willow and Tara were looking relieved. Buffy looked at little nauseous, but he recognized the look any child got when they thought about their parents having sex. That she still thought of him as a father reassured him immensely. Xander looked _uncomfortable_. Anya punched Xander in the arm and said, "See, I was right. It is because he's British."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

John Hart finished his lunch at the open air café and paid with a stolen credit card. He strode down the sidewalk back to the ruins of the High School, wanting to get a better look at it in the sunlight. John kept wondering why several of the non-humans stared at him in disbelief when he walked by. "_I must be getting a reputation from all of the new friends I've shagged in the last 24 hours,"_ he guessed. What most of them were staring at was John walking through patches of sunlight unharmed. John was right about the rest, they wanted to know if he really was as good as their friends had said he was. John made it to the High school with only one brief stop to demonstrate his prowess to some fans. He climbed into the ruins and started poking around. His wrist band had shown no life signs so he was startled when he heard a voice behind him. John spun around.

"Blondie Bear? What are you doing here?" the vacant looking blonde woman asked.

John pulled out his psychic paper holder and showed it to her. "Building inspector," he said and put the paper away quickly. The paper would show her whatever he wanted her to see, unless she was extremely strong willed. John didn't have many fears about that.

Harmony saw the _VERY_ official looking badge that had read, "Spike, Building Inspector". She was impressed, but confused at why her on again, off again lover's suddenly decided to get a job. "Why did you get a job?" she asked him.

"To earn money…?" John said hesitantly.

"Oh, that makes sense. You always were pretty broke. You would think for someone your age you would have made at least some investments over the years," Harmony chided him. They had had this discussion before. Harmony had been amazed that neither Angel nor Spike had ever thought to put money away in a bank to accrue interest, considering they were almost immortal.

"_What does she mean 'someone your age'? I'm only in my 40's."_ John thought, insulted. He looked at the blonde woman and glanced down at his wrist strap. His adrenaline shot up when the Vortex manipulator only registered one life sign, his. "Um…I'm sorry, what was your name?" John said politely.

Harmony clenched her jaw and punched a huge dent in the metal locker next to John's head. "Very cute, Blondie Bear! We have only been broke up for a couple of months and you're saying you can't even remember my name?" she shouted.

John spared a glance at the manipulator one more time and saw the woman was room temperature, and not exhaling CO2. "_Oh goodie, apparently she's DEAD and Dalek shit crazy. Just my luck,"_ John thought.

Harmony took in a breath to speak (actually to yell at Spike) and inhaled a heavy dose of John's pheromones. Her vampire enhanced smell was overloaded and all she was able to think about was having sex with her "Blondie Bear." Her senses were so overloaded she couldn't pick up on the fact that he didn't smell like Spike (or a vampire at all.) Harmony grabbed John by the jacket and said hungrily, "Let's have sex! Oh and, love the new clothes by the way."

John ran through his "Haven't Tried That Yet" list in his mind and saw that sex with a dead person was still on there. He had never given it much thought considering they just lay there, usually. Having one being very animated and wanting to jump his bones put a whole new spin on things. "_I'll give it a try," _thought John. "Never one to turn sex down," John told Harmony. Harmony squealed with glee, clapping her hands. She dropped to the floor and yanked off his pants. "_She might be Dalek shit crazy, but at least she's friendly," _John thought happily.

It was almost noon by the time Spike finally got the DVD player hooked up in his crypt. His old television didn't have the right set of connections in the back, so he had to back to the stuffy demon and ask to borrow his TV. Carrying the TV while simultaneously keeping the blanket covering him had been a stone bitch. He sat down with a sigh in his favorite chair, grabbed a bottle of booze, and pressed play on the remote control. An image of Andrew sprang to life. "Greetings to our nemesis, Buffy, Slayer of the Vampires," he said. Andrew had an annoying habit of putting an emphasis on the "pire" syllable. "It is I Andrew, member of the Triad of Evil. Tonight I want you to come along with us on a sordid tale of lust, betrayal, and homoerotic beauty."

"Dude, what are you doing in there? Warren wants to put together the DVD to blackmail Spike," Jonathan's voice could be heard off camera.

"Nothing, just preparing an opening," Andrew replied.

"We agreed it didn't need one. Hurry up, I need to use the toilet," Jonathan insisted. Andrew leaned forward and turned off the camera.

The next scene showed Spike dressed in a red jacket walking into Buffy's favorite alley. He was wearing a sword and two guns. "Bugger me!" Spike exclaimed from his chair, leaning forward to look at the TV. He quickly regretted his choice of curse words. The following scene was of Spike himself buggering a Fyarl demon. It was like a train wreck (or an episode of Oprah), too horrible to look away from. He drained the bottle of cheap whiskey in one long draw. Spike spoke Fyarlese and was somewhat comforted to learn that the big brute thought he was a very competent sex partner. He was about to turn the TV off when the Fyarl demon began yelling out at the height of its orgasm. Where most people would yell "Oh, god," or whatever their particular deity was, the Fyarl demon yelled out "Limbaugh". "That explains a lot," Spike said as he shut off the TV. He popped out the DVD and tried to decide what to do. The behavior of everyone in town suddenly made sense. There was some extremely handsome, obviously bent as a wire clothes hangar, but still very handsome chap going around pretending to be him. He thought back to his encounter at the Magic Box. Buffy was mad at him because his doppelganger must have made a pass at Giles and beat the piss out of Xander. It would be funny it weren't for the fact the chap had gotten Buffy mad at him. Spike chose to clear his name and grabbed his wool blanket, heading back out into the daylight on his way to the Magic Shop.

John had left a spent dead girl named Harmony (he had finally gotten her to give him her name) resting in the ruins of the High School. He was whistling while he walked. John was also watching the spindly teenage girl following him. John was using the reflections of the shop windows and parked cars to keep track of her. He was mildly impressed. For someone so young, she was showing a great deal of skill in surveillance. If it weren't for his paranoid nature (in most places people WERE out to get him) he probably wouldn't have noticed here. She kept back about 20 -30 yards and never approached him. John didn't see any obvious signs of weapons. His curiosity was peaked. John's thoughts were completely derailed however when the handsome man from the library drove up in a sporty, red four wheel transport with no top.

"Hello, again," the man said in an accent sort of similar to those of Jack's team. "Do you remember me?" he asked John.

"Of course I remember you. You're the gorgeous man from the library," John replied.

Giles forced himself to smile. He leaned across his car and opened the passenger door. "You suggested I might be of some service to you…" Giles said, letting the end trail off suggestively. Buffy was in the trunk and wasn't sure what gave her the wiggins more; Spike going gay for Giles, or hearing Giles get all seductive on Spike.

John rushed over to the passenger seat and sat down, shutting the door. "I can think of sorts of ways you can service me," John said with a smile. Buffy nearly gagged. Giles kept his bile down and gave an Oscar winning performance.

"Shall we go to your place?" Giles asked.

"Oh yeah," John said, resting his hand on Giles' thigh. "My hotel is just over there," he said pointing with his other hand. Buffy was looking through a crack they had made so she could keep an eye on Spike. She saw where Spike had his hand and without thinking, she bent Giles' tire iron in half.

The half mile drive to the hotel was possibly the longest drive either Buffy or Giles had ever had to endure. Once they stopped, John vaulted over the door without bothering to open it. Giles took his time opening his door and asked John casually, "What room are you in?"

"213. Which I can guarantee will be your lucky number," John boasted.

"213," Giles repeated loudly. "I'm sure there will be quite a bit of entertainment there."

Buffy counted slowly to 100 before she pulled the emergency trunk release and got out of the car. She ran up the stairs and stopped in front of room 213. Buffy saw that Giles had left the door slightly ajar, making it easy for her to get in when he called for her. She pushed hard on the door to 215, breaking the lock. Buffy was furious with Spike. If it wasn't total mind control, she was going to kick his ass. She had to be honest with herself. Even if it was total mind control, she was going to kick his ass. Buffy took out her cell-phone and called Willow to let her know where they were.

Giles and John stood close to each other in John's room. Too close for Giles' comfort. "_There is that wonderful smell again. I swear I have smelled something similar to it, but not quite_. _I suppose I better get this over with,_" Giles thought. "Well mate, to do most of the things I think you have in mind, you need to be sans clothing," Giles suggested.

John put his hand on Giles' chest. "You've been spending way too much time with these Americans. You're in way too much of a hurry. We should take this slow," he said in a low, sultry voice.

"_Bloody hell! Why can't anything ever be simple?" _Giles wondered to himself.

Willow was too engrossed in the book she was reading to look up when the bell over the door rang. She did look up when Xander stopped talking to Anya and Tara. They were silently staring towards the front door. Willow spun around and watched a smoking Spike toss off his blanket. She blinked several times to make sure she was seeing what she was seeing. Buffy had just checked in to say Giles and Spike had just gone into a hotel room. "Spike, you're here," Willow said in shock.

"Well at least one of you lot notices me," Spike huffed.

"Spike, you're here," Willow repeated.

"I think we've established that, Red," Spike said, patting a still smoldering patch of his black jacket.

"Spike, you're… here…" Willow said for a third time.

"Look, never mind. I need to get a hold of Buffy right away," Spike said. He looked at Willow who was pointing from the center of the Magic Box and then to the direction of the hotel and then back to the center of the room. She did this with a confused look on her face. "Has Red gone mental?" Spike asked Tara.

"What are you doing here? You supposed to be in a hotel room being seduced by Giles?" Xander blurted out.

"Pardon," Spike said politely. The sudden shock of hearing the most unlikely sentence in the English language come out of Xander's mouth causing him to revert to his cultured British upbringing.

"You're supposed to be in a hotel room across town where Giles in trying to seduce you into stripping naked," Anya explained. Spike changed his mind. _That_ was the most unlikely sentence in the English language. "Buffy is in the next room waiting to either save Giles, kick your ass, or both," she said. For the first time in close to a hundred years, Spike couldn't think of anything witting to say. He just stood there blinking his eyes. A small smile started to play across his face. Buffy would find the imposter and Giles; well Giles could deal with whatever happened. Spike reached into his pocket and crushed the DVD.

Dawn came out from the back with a tea set. "This all I could find. Giles doesn't have any coffee. Who wants tea?" she asked. She froze in her tracks when she saw Spike standing in the entry way.

Spike got over his shock and raised his hand, jumping up and down. "Ooh, ooh, I would. Yes, please," he said. Spike rushed to the table in the middle of the room. He swept his long jacket under him and sat down with a happy smile on his face. "I'll have mine with 4 lumps and plenty of milk," he told Dawn.

After some expert maneuvering on his part, Giles had finally convinced Spike to shed his clothes and let him keep his on. Spike was doing a slow strip tease. A small part of Giles' mind was impressed at how muscular the blonde vampire was. The rest of his mind was still thoroughly creeped out about being in a confined space with a vampire who wanted to bugger him. Spike dropped his final piece of clothing and stood before Giles in all of his naked splendor. "_Good lord, is that a result of being turned into a vampire, or was Spike that well endowed before he was changed," _Giles wondered. Now that all of the clothing was off, Giles waited for the effects of the jacket to wear off. He hoped Spike wouldn't be too angry. Instead of wearing off, judging from an obvious sign below the waist, Spike was still very much interested in Giles.

"Now my gorgeous librarian, let's get down to business," John said, taking a step forward. He reached over and softly caressed Giles cheek.

"BUFFY!" Giles screamed.

"Well I am naked, yeah…" John said before the door slammed open and a petite blonde girl stormed into the room. She closed the distance between them remarkably fast. She shoved him in the chest, knocking him into a wall.

Buffy wasn't sure what to expect, but what she heard "Spike" say next wasn't it. John looked at Giles, glee in his eyes. "Oooh! You brought a dominatrix to play with us. You thought of everything," he said warmly. John looked at Buffy and then at the floor. "We've been very naughty, Mistress. We need to be punished," he said suggestively. Buffy launched herself forward and pinned him to the wall by his throat. "Rough, I like that!" he told her.

Buffy knew Spike liked rough sex, he didn't have to remind her. Her slayer senses were tapping on the window of her consciousness, trying to be noticed. Buffy pushed aside her anger temporarily and focused on what her senses were trying to tell her. The first thing she noticed was how great Spike smelled. The next thing she noticed was the throbbing pulse in his neck. Buffy glanced down and promised herself not to think the word "throbbing" again while holding a naked, turgid vampire pinned to a wall. "Pulse?" she registered. Buffy watched him start to turn blue from lack of air. She let go and he gasped for air, rubbing his throat.

"Thank you for getting here so quickly, Buffy," Giles said.

"He's alive," Buffy said in disbelief.

"Yes, I can see that you didn't stake him. Why you haven't is beyond me," Giles muttered.

Buffy pointed to the naked man still rubbing his neck. "He…is…alive," Buffy said, in near hysterics. Giles gave her a questioning look, not comprehending what she was trying to get across. "Giles, that is a man!" she yelled.

"She doesn't get out much does she," John said hoarsely. He straightened up and looked at the odd couple arguing. He didn't get a sexual vibe from them at all. Instead he got more of a mentor / student thing.

Buffy spun to face John. "You're not a vampire are you?" she asked pointedly.

"Look folks, solar radiation is bad for your skin. That is why I don't tan. What is it with everybody calling me a vampire? Do I have to wear a name tag in this town that reads, 'John Hart, Not a Vampire'?" John asked tersely.

Buffy was about to say something when Giles asked softly, "What did you say your name was, again?" All trace of the agitation from earlier had fled. Buffy thought she could sense a bit of hope in Giles' voice.

"John Hart, why?" John replied suspiciously.

Giles sat down hard in the chair next to the door. He ran his hand through his hair. "You're just as he described you, but that was 20 some odd years ago. Which means that everything he told me was true," Giles said, shaking his head.

John gave Giles a sad smile. "Let me guess. Tall, dark, great in bed, American accent?" John offered. Giles nodded his head. John felt an indescribable warmth at knowing Jack had spoken about him.

Giles stood up suddenly. "Buffy, this man is human and therefore I can take care of him myself," Giles said. "I will interview him and see what he is doing in Sunnydale," he said. "Why don't you head back to the Magic Shop and I'll get a hold of you later," he said authoritatively. "Oh and Buffy, close the door on your way out," Giles said. Buffy caught him loosening his tie out of the corner of her eye as she left the room. She closed the door, hard. Buffy needed to vent. Spike was going to get some rough sex tonight, whether he wanted it or not.


End file.
